Ultrasound

When I was looking at my Ipod pictures, I found some fun things back from our ultrasound day.  This was a fun.  The video is particularly funny when Tanner is asked what we should name the baby.

Journaling

One of these days, I will stop being lazy and get recent pictures up...but not today!

On this week:
This has been quite a yucky week for us.  When a stomach bug hits, it really takes a week to cycle through. It all started Monday morning and as of today we are still having lots of, hmmm...issues.  My main goal right now is to keep kids hydrated.  We are planning to go camping all weekend with my fam, but I haven't had a chance to even think about getting ready.  I only left the house today for the first time since Sunday.  So much to do+ rainy forecast + lingering sickness + bad pregnancy back for sleeping away from my adjustable bed= I have no idea how this will go.  I am sure there be plenty of memorable moments.

Hope.

On Special Education:
So the reason I finally left the house today was for Dallin's annual IEP (special education)  meeting.  This has been a very frustrating year for Dallin and for us.  Things have been way below our expectations and there have been many ups and downs.  Dallin really struggles in his current school setting.  (for record reasons: our main concerns have been struggling with reading, anxiety and stress over reading, and behavior issues) I have even at times questioned whether moving home was the best thing for him.  We have been considering other options for schooling next year.  So as I anticipated this meeting the last couple of weeks, I had a very bad attitude. I was feeling just done with the situation. This is so not my character but I was fighting the urge to go into the meeting and give them all the bird (Joke: please know that I would never do this to anyone).

This morning as I prayed for wisdom and insight for Dallin for this meeting, I actually felt very calm and peaceful. I had no idea what to expect.  I have had terrible IEPs and great ones. I just went into it knowing my concerns and keeping an open mind.  I went in with a smile on my face to all the familiar people that I have been working with for the last year and a half. The feeling in the room was very warm.  We got right to business and I was allowed to express my concerns right away.  The response was that we were all on exactly the same page! We were completely in sync.  The specialist had prepared a very well thought out list of current progress and issues, and goals for next year.  They had even prepared the most wonderful solutions and ideas tailored just for him for next year.  Things that I wouldn't have even thought of.  Things that sounded so right for him. I had total confirmation in my heart. A far cry from where I was before.

I have gone from not even wanting to send him back to this school to actually looking forward to it.  No one is more surprised than me.  I still have a concern or two, but knowing that these people really do know him, care about him and  are willing give him all the supports to ensure his success puts me at ease.  His reading teacher this year is going to be his teacher next year, so they know each other well already.  Every step and decision that we make for Dallin is no easy thing.  I feel like a blind person that needs to get from point A to point B.  I am feeling much relief today from a burden that has been very heavy.

Grateful.


On Motherhood:
Finally, I just have follow up thoughts on my motherhood post.  I have gained a lot of perspective and peace from all of my frustrations.  My new motto is: "Try your best and God will make up the difference." I read that in a parenting book and it just kinda glued to my heart.  The adversary is very good at convincing us that we aren't good enough and we become discouraged.   I knew that this was happening to me, but couldn't seem to pull out of it very easily.  Through lots of prayer and heartache, God has shown me my strengths and that I am not so bad after all.  I need to enjoy my talents I have been given and what I am good at.  I will always be working on things that I fall short on, but He will make up the difference. That's what the Savior's Atonement is for. 

Peace.

On Pregnancy:
I am slowing down more all the time now.  I am trying to be very careful with myself so that I can get through the next few weeks and not burn out.  I am purposely not taking on extra commitments.  I am a sturdy built capable girl, but for the first time, I am actually heeding the advice not to lift too much or overdo it.  I had severe bone separation pain in my pelvis throughout most of my second and third trimester in my last pregnancy.  So far I can feel that it is happening again, but I am trying to be careful not to make it worse.  I can tell when I have done something more than I should if I start to feel the pain so it is my compass.  Last time, I had to adapt how I moved, got up, rolled over in bed, got out of bed, etc.  So this time I have already adapted my movement in the same way so that I do not aggravate the situation.  So far it is working well and I am pretty pain free that way.  Perhaps it is inevitable, but I am doing better than last time so far.
 I am feeling more movement inside, but I still don't feel a lot because of the placement of the placenta.  So weird!

I didn't handle our sickness as well as the others in our house this week.  I think because of pregnancy related reflux/heartburn, once I started throwing up, I couldn't stop.  I had far more episodes than anyone else.  This is one of my least favorite human experiences. I was so glad when it was over. 

I am out of the chubby phase now and definitely looking pregnant.  This makes me a little more self conscious when I go out with "ALL" my kids.  I wonder what it looks like to see a frazzled mommy with 5 kids under 8 AND a big belly.  

Wow.

Cramp!

Yes, I know pregnant women are prone to leg cramps. I had a really bad one once when I was pregnant with Dallin in which I woke up screaming.  Since then I have always been really careful not to point my toes when i am lying down.  It hasn't really been a problem. 

But last night something all new happened that was crazy.  We had just gone to bed and I was snuggled up next to Peter on my left side.  I must have been lying in a weird way, because all of the sudden I started feeling a pinch on my left right under my rib cage.   After a couple of seconds I rolled onto my back and started grabbing my ribs.  It only got worse and the pinch was so tight that it started to burn and all I could do was scream.  It was so intense.  Peter couldn't figure out what was happening and quickly turned the light on.  After a few more seconds, it started to subside and standing up and stretching a little made it go as quickly as it came. 

It was such sudden intense pain, that I was really shaken and I just laid down and cried for a couple of minutes (not that it takes anything much to make me cry lately) and tried to catch my breath.

Well, that's a new pregnancy symptom to add to my list! I swear the older I get and more times my body does this, the more quickly I begin to fall apart each time.

Baby

I started to get a little nervous as it got closer to time to have my ultrasound.  Especially after being so sure that it was a girl.  I think part of me just doesn't think I can handle 4 boys, so that was my way of keeping my sanity going into the whole thing. I picked up my older kids from school early and dropped off the 2 younger ones with a friend and headed to the appointment.  I was anxious to see the little one because this time, the placenta is on the front of my uterus (sorry, graphic) which makes it really hard to feel any movement.  I have to lie very still and it is so subtle that Peter hasn't even been able to feel the baby kick yet.  This is very different than all the other times.  After having a little scare with the last ultrasound, I was a little worked up again.  I had vivid baby dreams all night just like last time.  The kids enjoyed being there.  Tanner was very confused by the pictures.  When we looked at the heart, he was sure that did not look like one.  I see his point.  It didn't take long to get a nice good view of the gender though and all the wondering came to an end.  So....

This baby definitely has an outy! I was so shocked I couldn't even say anything. Now that it is real, of COURSE we are so delighted.  Apparently you can't control everything in life, ha ha.  I figure, we are used to active boys.  Even Lily is pretty rough and tough like a boy so bring it on, we can handle it.  I know the Lord knows me and this is just as it should be.  But now that we know, I just can't wait to get my hands on him.  Am I am really only half way there?

Preggo Notes

I haven't written many details about how the pregnancy has been going yet so I wanted to write down a few thoughts.

This was a planned pregnancy, as they all have been. I have never been "surprised". I was very scared and overwhelmed about going through 9 uncomfortable months of not being myself again however. I was having second thoughts. I was starting to think that maybe if I didn't get pregnant right away, we would wait another year. But that was not meant to be and I am grateful that Heavenly Father knows me well enough to hold me to our plans. We must have anxious little spirits (that's what Peter's blessing says) because this same exact thing happened when I got pregnant with Lily. So once again we go forward with faith. In hind sight, I have been so glad each time that it worked out this way.

Another pattern that I have noticed is that with this pregnancy and the last, Dallin has seemed to know when it was time. About the time we had decided we would go for it, Dallin approached me and let me know that he thought I should have another baby. We hadn't mentioned anything to the kids of course, we were just privately discussing it. He put on the pressure for a couple of weeks without us letting him know that we were on the same page. He just seems to know, it is kind of spooky. We didn't let the kids know we were expecting for almost 3 months, but he was a very happy boy when we finally filled him in on it.

When I had my first OB appointment I had an ultrasound and they saw something that prompted them to have me do another one 2 weeks later to do a screen for Downs. I knew that didn't mean anything for sure, but it was really scary since nothing like this has ever happened. I just tried to put it out of my mind, but the night before the second ultrasound I was restless and had nightmares the whole night. I was very nervous as the technician started the process and I had no indication of what she found until about an hour afterward. When I finally talked to the Dr., she said that things looked better, but it would take a week to get the final results combined with my blood work. I wasn't too worried after that and then I finally got the call that said we had a 1 in 2900 chance, which is even lower than the average person my age. All that worrying for nothing. I will love any baby that comes to us of course, but the unknown was sure a lot of stress.

This is the first pregnancy that I have decided not to keep track of where I am and just go with the flow. I have always known to the day how far along I am, but I just wanted to see what it is like to just be. I like it. I am not nearly as preoccupied with the time line so I believe I am much more content and less anxious than usual. I honestly cannot tell you what week I am right now! I could guess within a week or two, but all I know for sure is that I am in my second trimester. It's kinda fun not knowing.

This is also the first time being pregnant and feeling like it could possibly be the last time... or not, who knows. I have always gone into this knowing that we would have more so this is a totally new frame of mind. 6 seems like a lot to me so from now on, we are not on any kind of plan. We have always had a plan so I am digging this. We are just going to enjoy the abundance that we have and go from there. To get rid of baby clothes or not is the question of the day though...

Oh yes, then there is my 101 goals.  Hah!  I told myself when I made my list that If I had any pregnancies during this time, that I would allow an extension.  Hey, its my game, I can change the rules if I want right?  So although I am working on it, it is not in the forefront of my mind at the moment, surviving is.  I am so okay with that.

This was a difficult first trimester as expected. I spent much time mothering from the couch. I was nauseous, exhausted, overwhelmed and depressed most of the time.  Now that I am past that, I feel a surge of energy and health that I am just loving.  I can't believe how different I feel.  I let the house go more than ever so now I am slowing getting back into productive mode.  It is hard with a 1 and 2 year old tornado going around all the time though.  I am just so indescribably grateful that I am feeling better, I don't really have words.

I seem to have an unconscious goal of record weight gain this time.  For real, I don't know what has come over me, but I can't stop eating and craving food.  Salty, sweet, spicy, yes please.  Salty food is probably my number one choice.  I am also very prone to suggestion. I am really trying to eat healthy, but if I see a food or even hear about a food, I start to obsess over it until I have it. Nothing is satisfying until I do. I feel like I am out of control.  At first it was to ward off morning sickness because I am less sick if I eat all the time, but now maybe it is just habit. I am not in maternity pants yet, but on my last pair of my "fat" pants.  I am trying not to keep track of weight gain either this time because of this.  Seriously, I do NOT want to know.  (I may not keep junk food in the house much anymore, but trust me, I find a way. Shhhhh).



Here is another new for this pregnancy: In my mind this baby is definitely a girl. I went into this "knowing" that it is a girl. It has to be.  I have never ever felt like that before.  It is a girl and you can't tell me otherwise. 3 girls, 3 boys just makes sense and I LOVE having girls.  I just need one more. I have had preferences but not such a strong feelings before.  Don't get me wrong, this is not self prophesy or anything.  I don't think it means anything. If it is a boy that will be fine, but I will have to have to make a major frame of reference change for sure! Yes, we will be finding out at 20 weeks and I may feel like a very silly woman.   

The kids love the new baby. When we have family prayer we do hugs after and sing a silly song to go with it.  They have now added a verse that says, "Everybody hug the new baby" repeated over and over. and they really do hug and kiss my chubby and not yet pregnant looking belly.

I think I am starting to feel little kicks as of yesterday. I love this baby so much already, maybe more than usual after going through the screening and worrying and praying for the little one so much.

So there you have many similarities/differences from my previous experiences.

The News is Out!

Yes, it is true, but I am not really sure I am old enough to have 6 children!  The last 12 weeks have been quite a roller coaster as I have kept mostly silent for the first time. 

Can I just say, keeping it in this long is not for me at all!  We thought we would give it a try since we have never really waited long before.  Um, yeah it was a downer for me.  For about a month I liked having our little secret and honestly I was still processing it, but after that, no fun.  I am just not the kind of person who can hold things in.  I need to release my emotions!  Plus it is so much more fun when those you love can share in your joy.

So we have been going through so much and my blogging outlet was totally cut off  from the subject. Hence the scarcity of posts I guess. Well, that and I spent a couple of months laying around sick and tired so there wasn't a whole lot to report there and my camera has a little too much dust from it.  I get that some people love to keep to themselves, but now I have learned that I am so not one of them.  I am okay with that.  I guess at 31 I am still learning things about myself.