Motherhood

This is a real, raw post.  This is not my usual happy upbeat loving life kind of thing.  Those have been a little sparse lately.  But this is me right now and I want to write about what life is really like at the moment:

I couldn't find my USB cord so I don't have pictures to post.  This is the story of my life lately.  I don't really have a cluttery house as in a lot of extra stuff around.  I am a minimalist.  But, when everything we own seems to be stirred like a big messy pot, it is hard to find anything.  My 2 youngest are doing me in.  I have completely lost control at my house.  This is why my Facebook status says, "I live in a shoe."  I don't know what to do. My "downs" in the ups and downs of life seem to go farther than usual. All of my children are going through phases right now and I am just trying to be patient.  That is my one and only goal right now.  I know, I am really reaching for the stars.  Luckily, in my almost 8 years of experience, I know that these times don't last.  I know that the family dynamic is ever changing.  I just hope I can get a grip before, say late September before I lose my standing again.

This job is very humbling. Having no control over ANYTHING can do that to someone.  I have been driven to my knees more than ever lately.  I found that my prayers have even changed when I talk to the Lord.  I have been praying for strength, patience, energy.  All that good mom stuff.  But the other day something new broke through, total submission.  I found myself saying, "Heavenly Father, I am trying, I am willing, my desires are sincere. It is not enough.  Please carry me. I am weak."

This motherhood thing is so much more difficult thing I could have ever imagined.  Yet I know this is my calling in life, even before this life I am sure.  Our particular situation right now seems unreal to me.  I look around and think, wow, here we are and now how do I do this? And my answer is to focus on my strengths, not my shortcomings (list too long to comprehend).  I am good at being affectionate, adoring, nurturing, loving, making children feel special and important.  I can handle that (as long as my patience is in check).

I do believe that Peter and I have been given the ultimate blessing.  An abundant blessing. Going through this season for me is causing me to learn so much. It has caused me to turn inward to reflection.  To learn things about myself that I didn't know were there.  Good and bad things.  I think this would be called a growing experience.  This is true, as my family grows, I grow inside. I change.  My heart changes. My desires change. Sometimes daily. I think this is what this mortal experience is supposed to be like.  We are supposed to be here to learn, grow, experience.  A while back I asked a mother who has more children than I do how to gain more patience.  Her answer was very surprising at the time. She said, "Have more children."  I see so much wisdom in that now.  We grow as we do hard things. It is all part of the Plan.

So I am grateful. Not just for these times, but for the overwhelming joys that I get to experience each day too.  Chubby hands, developing minds, growing testimonies, sticky kisses, to be loved and looked to as a mother, an example and a teacher.  To even be entrusted with someone extra special.  It's overwhelming.  I don't deserve so many blessings.   

Last night Peter took our 3 boys to the Father Son Campout. I am sure they had a blast.  Then this morning my phone rang at 5am.  It was Peter.  He told me he needed to bring Carter home because he croupy and really struggling.  A while later they arrived.  Peter layed Carter on the other side of my bed and he looked fine.  Peter said  that now that they were up and around, his cough was gone.  It is only when he is laying down.  Peter asked Carter if he wanted to go back to camping and Carter eagerly nodded his head.

So Peter walked around to where I was laying and gave me a sweet kiss goodbye and then told Carter, "Lets go."  Carter having witnessed  this jumped up and said, "Wait, I want to kiss Mommy!"  He ran around to my side, gave me a kiss with his cold lips and then said, "I want to hug you."  He did, and they happily left to return to the fun.  Man I felt so overwhelmed. Nothing in this life brings so much joy as my family.  Its those moments, the ones that happen every day (times 5) that bring so much fulfillment, so much joy, so much happiness.    Even when I am not all together.  Even when I feel like a failure. Even when I don't know what I am doing or which way is up.  It is still worth every moment.  I'll take it all.