Baby Break?

In less than two months my baby will be in nursery! This is a big deal for me.  That will mean 2 hours of church that I will be able to sit and enjoy.  Lily is adjusting okay into primary (better than I could have hoped thanks to 2 special teachers) so being with her as I had expected isn't necessary.  I get called out of class to help with my children now and then but all is pretty quiet for the older 5 kids.

Luke has more separation anxiety than any of our other kids had so it may still be a little bit before this happens, but here's the reason it is a big deal.  Since having Dallin, when my youngest started nursery, I was either having another right about then or very pregnant.  This time, neither is the case.  I feel a different time in life coming and I kind of like it, but don't.

I have always been pretty open in sharing that I wanted to have at least 6 children, close in age.  After that we would figure things out as we went.  The whole time I was pregnant with Luke (and Lily for that matter) I felt like I was beyond what I was able to handle.  There was no question about our plan so we pushed through the difficulties and enjoyed it.  So with number six being my most difficult pregnancy, I kept asking myself, is this it? Are we done?  In that moment when I was at my physical limit, I wanted the answer to be YES! But my heart was not convinced.

On the most stressful of days, I have sworn to Peter that we are SOOOOOO done.  On the most sweet days I want to do this my whole life.  Like maybe keep motherhood going right into Grand-mothering without a big space.

My logic tells me that we have a great little family.  As my taxi driver days become more and more demanding I feel the need to focus on all these little people and give them every opportunity to learn, develop their talents and enjoy each other.  This requires all of me, not the half me that I am when I am pregnant and have a newborn.  I long for days when we can sit through church without feeling like we have the the most wild bunch there.

But my heart has other things in mind.  Since this baby break has been a bit longer, I have so enjoyed being me again.  Growing stronger, working on making things better for myself and my family.  But I do so love my children beyond any words and I know I would love any more that came to us just as much. When I see a pregnant mother, even though I don't enjoy that state myself, I long to feel the life growing in me again and feel the excitement and anticipation. When I see new babies, even though I know it is not my time for that right now, my arms long to hold my newborn baby for the first time.

 What does this all mean? I don't know, this is anti-climactic. No decisions or announcements, just thoughts. Being a mother is the most precious gift I have been given.  Either way, I am so happy for my experiences so far.