Journal

The kids had a 3 day weekend this week.  I got a little taste of the coming Spring Break I think.  Some extra time together was so nice. After a half day on Thursday, Dallin orchestrated the building of a city with a large assortment of the toys and a home made paper road.   Friday night we were hanging out in the basement and I watched as the oldest 5 kids played hide and seek for about an hour.  They were so sweet to each other and so happy.  They were truly enjoying one another.  This continued through the weekend as they played hard doing many creative activities and some trampoline jumping. However, I didn't like the game where they were hiding because they were pretending mom was going to kill them though. Um, not okay!  They agreed to scrap that one.

That one aside, sometimes I just sit back in awe of the built in playmates these guys have.  Seeing those moments is very fulfilling to me.  We wanted them to have each other and to grow up together as best friends.  It does not go without arguments, a high noise level, and a lot of mediation, but I feel so happy that they have one other and I think they are too.  Those moments are good for me. When I see them hugging and putting their arms around each other,  I know every difficult day, every pregnancy,the lost sleep, all the work is worth every second.  I can just soak up the awesomeness of our blessed little family. These are happy children who are allowed to be children, that's what I really want for them right now.

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Eden has become my right hand gal in the kitchen lately.  She is becoming more skilled with measuring and cracking eggs and such.  I used to encourage her help, but it would be a little frustrating to be patient with her as she learned.  Now it is mostly just fun.  She is eager and teachable and we have great discussions about the cooking and life in general.  That is a dream come true for me. 

Today we were making pizza together and Eden asked, "Mom, can you have 2 jobs when you are a grown up?"  I said "Sure!"  She responded, " I want to be an artist AND a cooker."  Those 2 things really have become passions for her.  I told her that Moms get to have lots of jobs, like Artist, Chef, Nurse, Teacher, Photographer, etc.  She liked that a lot and added, "And they get to be pretty."  I smiled and said "Yes, they do."  I liked that a lot.

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I have been pondering a lot about life lately.  Just internalizing talks, scriptures, firesides and people's wisdom that have given me a lot to think about.  I am trying to feel more peace and calm because I believe stress is taking a toll on my health.  I don't want to be hard on myself anymore.  It takes too much energy.  I am not a perfectionist, but yet I still have the desire to be perfect.  That causes a lot of inner turmoil for me and unrealistic expectations.  I am at a point where I need to accept myself for who I am and do the best I can to improve a little at a time. 

I find that certain mantras work for me at different times.  Things that I tell myself when I start to get upset with myself.  Some of mine lately are:

• It is what it is.  Example: we are late and there is nothing I can do about it now.  It is what it is.  We just arrived somewhere and realized that so and so doesn't have shoes on.  It is what it is. Move on.  We had a crazy morning and even though we are on time, my kids look like orphans. It is what it is. I messed up big time. It is what it is.
• This is a new minute.  Rather than a new day, get it?  If I am having a horrible day, I don't have to give up on it and say, I will try again tomorrow.  Not at all.  What happened one minute ago is over.  I can shelf it because that time is gone.  I try to plan ahead so I don't have to over think the future either, it is planned.  Right now in this minute I can decide to be more productive, calm, patient, or anything I want. 
• And my favorite Pinterest quote of the moment: "Whenever I start getting sad, I stop being sad and start being awesome!" Yeah, because I am, lol!
• And just for fun since I am going to start training for a 10k  (also via Pinterest): "Gonna run 'til I don't jiggle."  That makes me laugh and yet motivates me for some reason (I can't imagine why).

I am all about the small changes lately.  I am not setting crazy goals anymore that demand perfection.  One good goal a week is plenty and don't expect to see perfect results,.  At the end of the week and I see that I did better than if I had not made a goal at all and that is great.  Some of the things I have been  working on a little at a time are:
Exercising 3 times a week
Following a morning house pick up routine
Having couple scriptures study
Weekly date night (we are 100% on that for 4 weeks now!)
Tracking my food intake with the AMAZING MyFitnessPal app

Trying to get rid of negative thoughts has been a huge help with this.  At RS last month a wonderful sister had us do an exercise by writing down all the negative thoughts that we tell ourselves everyday.  I stopped at about 10.  Then we wrote down the opposites of those. It is very freeing to look at my mirror every day and see those positives on there in dry erase marker.  It is like I have given myself permission to believe those things about myself and be happy with who I am.

I have also started trying to serve others more. I have been humbled by the amazing service given to me as I have struggled at times the last few years.  The Christ-like love has humbled me and taught me that service should not be given by obligation but out of pure love. Then you can both grow from it. That kind of service  has healed my soul many times.  I want to be that for others.  I am getting to a place that I don't feel so helpless at the moment and so even though I don't do a lot of big earthshaking things for others, I am less overwhelmed with my own self  when I show love by small little acts of service to others.  Even if it is just a smile.  This includes my husband and children, a wonderfully helpful concept.

The words of my Patriarchal Blessing have been in my mind a lot lately. I have been thinking about some things that I haven't really felt described me before.  I realized that those are things that I have been striving for since I received them 16 years ago.  Now I am starting to feel like they do describe who I am and that feels good.  It makes me feel like perhaps at least somewhat that I am doing things I am meant to do.  And that I should keep working toward those things. 

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Carter has really taken to potty training.  He was doing okay without much help at all, but as soon as I busted out a sticker chart the little guy really went for it.  He has had great success and makes the funniest "ohhhhHHHH" sound when he gets his undies wet.  It has been all positive so far.  We don't dwell on accidents and he loves being praised for a job well done.  He is looking forward to a present when he fills his chart with about 30 stickers (a dollar store puzzle). 

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St. Patrick's day was pretty low key because we had a couple of kids with fevers.  I did manage to try these out:

Source: ourbestbites.com via Pricilla on Pinterest

I had planned to have the kids set out a Leprechaun trap the night before and find a treasure hunt with clues to these the next morning, but again with 2 sick babies, I just ended up giving them to the kids.  They totally loved them and we made sure to wear green so it was a good day. 

We had a family dinner tonight so we tried these too:

Source: cutestfood.com via Pricilla on Pinterest

Loving Pinterest lately.  So many fun ideas to try.

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These kinds of treats are going to be less common at our house now.  Sugar is so addictive and bad for our bodies.  I particularly do not handle it well and I think it is a major trigger for my migraines.  Peter and I decided that the only place we can really control the crazy amount of treats we eat is in our home.  We agreed that we will not buy sweets anymore.  Our cars count as an extension of the home too so there is no loop hole.  We don't have to say no when things are offered to us away from home and we don't have a lot of control over what the kids eat at school, but at home we can be as sugar free as possible.. We agreed that once a week is a good "moderation in all things" for this idea so we can still plan, crave, or whatever and still have something that is truly a treat to look forward to and savor.  That way we can work with birthdays and holidays too. This goes along with seeking peace and calm in life because excesses also drain my energy and throw off balance. I love eating healthy, but if I add in lots of sugary junk in between, I don't feel better and I want to feel better. I think this is a good small change that is realistic as too.

I totally use my blog as a journal. I know I just put all my random thoughts down and that perhaps I say too much, but I think it is good for me and I do like having all my life records in one place. I know it is kinda weird to put it all out there, but it works for me. It is what it is.  Moving on.